If I Had A Billion Dollars

Here’s a question for you: Let’s say you woke up one day and decided to treat yourself to a Rolls Royce Phantom Black. Sure, it costs $340,000, but you’re worth it. You drive it home and prominently park it in the driveway, making you the envy of the neighborhood. Now, would you slap an “I’d Rather be Bass Fishing” bumper sticker on it? Would you let your teenage daughter take it to the mall?

Maybe when hell freezes over. Otherwise, it’s not happening.  

Ok, now let’s say you’re in charge of ESPN. Your network just won the bidding war for Monday Night Football, and you’re going to pay the NFL $1.1 billion dollars annually. Would you give the keys to that vehicle to Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann and Tony Kornheiser?

I don’t have much of a problem with Mike Tirico, but Joe Theismann is one of the worst analysts covering the NFL. He’s like a 4-year old seeing the game for the first time. Everyone is amazing! Everyone is on the brink of a Pro Bowl season, even David Carr. In one series last week, Theismann said that Ben Roethlisberger was both “back” to his 2005 form and “looking uncomfortable in the pocket”. Which is it, Joe, because he can’t be both.

Tony Kornheiser is a great columnist, but he doesn’t belong in the booth. The guy is a minor step up from the talking heads on ESPN’s “Around the Horn”, and if they ever put “guys” Skip Bayless in the booth, I’d stock up on canned goods as the apocalypse is nigh. Or get some makeup, so you’d look “fabulous” for the end of time.  

Kornheiser does have one redeeming quality: He calls Theismann out. That’s great. That’s refreshing. And knowing Theismann like we do, it’s going to happen at least once a night.

My displeasure with ESPN’s presentation of MNF isn’t limited to the guys calling the game. Oh no, there’s also that pre-game show? Counting Tirico, Theismann and Kornheiser, ESPN has NINE (9) on-air personalities at the game. You’ve got Michele Tafoya and Suzy Kolber patrolling the sidelines for irrelevant information, and Chris Berman, Steve Young, Tom Jackson and Michael Irvin doing the pre-game show. For every point scored in last Monday’s Jacksonville-Pittsburgh game, ESPN was right there with an ESPN personality.

I may be one of the few people left on Earth who still likes Chris Berman. I’ll admit that his act is a bit tired, but he’s like the crazy uncle who tells the same joke whenever he comes around. As old as the jokes are, it wouldn’t feel like football season if Berman weren’t running out of breath while reading a long sentence off the teleprompter, or picking a Bills-49ers Super Bowl.

Nope, my problem isn’t with Berman. It’s with the Playmaker, Michael Irvin. You see, I have a bit of problem with the newer NFL alumni that have entered the jockocracy. Some of them haven’t figured out how to be objective, and Irvin is the prime example of that. Last year’s nuzzling of Terrell Owens was an embarrassment, and it’s amazing that ESPN re-upped his contract after that and his arrest for possessing a crack pipe. (Though that arrest at least offered up some form of explanation for his bizarre viewpoints)

With the money ESPN shelled out for MNF, you would think no expense would be spared when it came time to fill the booth. After all, when it comes to broadcasting an NFL goal, the goal should be quality, not quantity. That’s something ESPN is yet to learn.