Brian Goes to the Doctor

I'll just come right out and say it: I hate going to the doctor.

I'm aware that nobody enjoys it, but I hate going to the doctors with the heat of 10,000 suns. So when I actually made an appointment with one, and showed up, it was quite a thing for me.

I was only mildly concerned about why I made the appointment. After all, a tumor growing out of your neck isn't what you want. I had done my research, and after speaking with some health care professionals, I had determined that it was a "skin tag", which is as harmless as Duane Starks in press coverage.

After filling out more forms than could possibly be necessary, I finally got in to the see the dermatologist. Ten minutes later, the door opens and in walks a 5-foot tall guy in a white lab coat and a bowtie. I'm looking for cameras, Peter Funt, or possibly Ashton Kutcher.

He immediately hones in on the tumor like Star Jones at a Krispy Kreme, and is examining it from every angle. The following conversation takes place:

Dr. PimplePopper: "Oh my, you must've had that thing for 10 years!"
Mac: "Actually no. It's more recent than that"
Dr. PimplePopper: "Five. Gosh, that almost looks like a birthmark"
Mac: "Well, I didn't have it two years ago, I know that much"
Dr. PimplePopper: (excitedly) "Oh, you've got a few of them!"

He tells me that he can remove them immediately, but there's one catch. And in the most effeminate voice imaginable, he whispers "But there's going to be a scar".

"That's ok...chicks dig scars" was my response, to which he gives a mild laugh. I'm sure I'm not the only Patrick Swayze fan he's had in his office. After injecting me with a numbing agent, he sliced the fuckers (there were a few) right off. I didn't feel a damn thing.

My appointment was at 11, and I was back to work by 11:15. Seriously, it all took less than 15 minutes, so I'm kicking myself for waiting this long to have this done. I have to wear a band-aid for a day or two, and have to avoid shaving for a few days (darn it, right when my vacation begins), but pending the lab results, everything should be a-ok. The only thing is, the numbing agent has worn off, the bandage he put on is itchy as all hell, and the part of my neck he removed is starting to hurt in the "Yes, a surgical-sharp scalpel just removed some skin from my neck" sort of way.

The good news is this: "Winter Beard" returns in 2005! The tumor (I called him Frank) prevented Winter Beard from appearing in 2003 and 2004, so it'll be a nice addition to this Holiday season.