Michael Irvin Is A Big, Dumb Idiot

If I'm an executive for ESPN, I'm installing a digital clock in my office that runs down the months, days and hours until Michael Irvin's contract expires. Never in the history of sports broadcasting has an "analyst" brought less to the table than this guy.

His constant crotch-nuzzling of all things relating to the Cowboys and "the U" is beyond annoying, as his is inability to form a valid, coherent sentence.

Hey Michael, I know you fried a good portion of your brain doing blow off a hooker's ass at the "White House" in Plano, Texas, but you need to remember that just because you speak the loudest, it does not make you right.

So thanks for your definition of what a play-maker is ("a guy who makes plays". Wow, what insight), and your weekly fellatio session on a few former Hurricanes. But let me correct on tonight's selections:

5. LaVar Arrington, Washington Redskins. This turd finally was made active this week, after it took him nearly a month to realize that you have to practice well in order for the team to trust you to go out on the field and perform at the level they expect you to. And he gets to go out there and play against the 2nd worst team in the National Football League. Yeah, that was an amazing performance.

4. Santana Moss, Washington Redskins. Hey, I don't doubt Santana Moss. He's a hell of a wide receiever, and is making a lot of good CBs look absolutely foolish. Quick question, though: Do the 49ers have a good CB? Hell no. Why is on your list? He's a "U" alum.

3. Clinton Portis, Washington Redskins. 100+ yards and 3 TDs qualifies him for the list, but again, it was against the 49ers. Did I mention that Portis went to the "U"?

So 3 of Michael Irvin's "play makers" are Redskins, who played the 2nd worst team in the NFL. That's a tough performance .Surely, Irvin is going to redeem himself on his top 2, right?

2. Edgerrin James, Indianapolis Colts. Oh Michael. I thought you were going to redeem yourself. James had a good game...against the 0-6 Houston Texans. But, he's a "U" alum, so...

1. LaMont Jordan, Oakland Raiders. Ok, now Irvin has finally chosen a guy who deserves to be on this list. Jordan had 28 carries, 122 yards and scored 3 times. But what does Irvin say? He finally "earns that big money" Oakland gave him. Douchebag, the Raiders weren't giving him the damn ball the first 5 weeks of the year! This was the first game they committed to the run, and lo and behold, they easily beat the Buffalo Bills. Why didn't they give him the ball? Because they were trying to throw the ball deep to Randy Moss all the time (a move Irvin applauds), and their offense was sputtering.

So there, Michael Irvin is at least consistent in his idiocy, and his continued employment will make ESPN's football coverage a complete joke. Berman can no longer go a full sentence without running out of breath. Tom Jackson is a-scared of infuriating anyone after getting smacked down by Belichick 3 years ago. Steve Young, he of many concussions, is the lone voice of reason on that set.

What's that? Who are my "Top 5 PlayMakers" from this past Sunday? Glad you asked.

5. Jordan Babineaux, Seattle Seahawks. The 2nd year undrafted free agent out of Southern Arkansas came up with the big interception in the final seconds, and got the return yardage needed to give the Seahawks a chance to win the game. A chance they didn't squander.

4. Jeremiah Trotter, Philadelphia Eagles. The Pro-Bowl MLB had 9 total tackles, and it was predominantly his solid play that held LaDainian Tomlinson, the league's best RB, to a measly 7 yards of rushing.

3. Quintin Mikell, Philadelphia Eagles. The little-known DB blocked a FG by Nate Kaeding that teammate Matt Ware returned for the game-winning TD.

2. Eli Manning, New York Giants. Went 9-13 for 74 yards on the game's final drive, culminating in the game-winning TD with only 10 seconds left on the clock.

1. (tie) Paul Edinger/Josh Brown, Minnesota/Seattle. These two guys lined up to kick game-winning field goals as time expired. Both kicks were over 50 yards, which marked the 1st time in NFL history that two games were won with field goals of 50+ yards as time expired on the same day.